Begin your email with “You” or “Your” and NOT “I”.

Your bonus email rule: Keep it SHORT – especially if this is a first-time reaching out email.

In a recent workshop I promised my attendees I’d review some of their emails. Here is his TERRIBLE & LOOOOOONG email this participant sent me to edit. I only changed the name.

Good Morning Matilda,

I am looking to become familiarized with your firm.  I have seen the market sectors and geographic locations you are performing and expanding to and think there are some mutual benefits from our teams collaborating.  I wanted to see if you have some time in the near future to meet up and share a bit more about your firm.  I also would like to tell you a bit more about ours as well.  Please let me know how I can accommodate your schedule.

Also, I noticed your companies recent posting about ISD bonds was not able to come up.  Are you experiencing others saying something similar?  I’d love to read what you have put together.  Our team was pleased to see the amount of bonds for the next coming years for the state of Texas.  It is a great time for the K-12 market sector.

I look forward to meeting with you and your team soon.

His name and sig line

My response to my workshop attendee:

You need to rewrite this letter! As written it would get deleted in about four seconds.

Here is your homework: count up how many times you’ve used the word “I” in this email. Remember it’s not about you, it is about them.

What is it that you exactly want them to do? Answer that question and put that upfront.

It needs to be shorter, more to the point, and more about them.

Rewrite and then send back.

He rewrote the email 8 times and also followed the 2nd rule of keeping a first-time email to 60 words:

Good Morning Matilda,

Your firm has been making some very positive noise recently and we are very interested in getting better acquainted.  We focus in the same geographical locations, market sectors, and share similar resumes and experience as a General Contractor.  Are you available for me to take you to lunch?

Please let me know how we can accommodate your schedule.

His name and sig line

Do you think the responder will read the second 58-word email and possibly set up that lunch? Hell, yes.

You get the lunch date, you start building relationship capital and then you begin to create mutual financial capital.

All because of a clean and concise email that’s about the recipient.

© 123RF Stock Photo

© Karen Cortell Reisman, M.S., author of 3 books and President of Speak For Yourself®, works with decision makers on how to speak with gravitas. It’s all in how you speak for yourself. Karen also speaks about her cousin, Albert Einstein, in a message about hope, resilience and brassieres.

Read more at www.SpeakForYourself.com/blog.

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