It’s a question that you ask all the time, and that you’ve been asked all the time.
It’s so common that I wonder if this question is part of our DNA.
The Culprit Question ➡
“What do you do?”
Psychologist and author Adam Grant shares “When you meet someone new, don’t ask: What do you do? It limits what people share about themselves to a job description.”
The Better Question ➡
“What do you love to do?”
Grant suggests you try, “What do you love to do? It ignites curiosity and invites people to express their distinctive interests.”
Try this tweak and send me your comments on how this one slight change on this age-old boring question elevates your conversations.
Thank you to Dr. E. Michael Reisman for sending me this Adam Grant article.
PS: Jimmy and I had a wonderful time at a family wedding in Colorado and enjoyed beautiful weather with more family and friends in various ski towns in CO. Glad to be back to my blog.
Source: Adam Grant (@AdamMGrant), via LinkedIn (April 2019).
“Hi, I’m, uh, Jordan. Ummm, I’m an analyst at GroupThink and I like… you know … stuff like walking…”
Spoiler alert: Introduce yourself like that and no one will remember you.
Why your brain hates basic intros
Alessia Fransisca, psychiatrist and writer, suggests a better way. As published in Psyc Digest, Dr. Fransisca shares ►
The “Broken Robot” Effect: The brain tunes out the predictable intro that goes in this sequence: Name, job, hobby.
The Halo Effect: People decide if you’re smart/kind/compelling in seconds. First impressions stick.
Science Fix: Hijack people’s attention through storytelling + curiosity.
Dr. Fransisca’s 3-Part Knockout Intro Formula (she says you can steal this!)
1️⃣ The Hook:
Do not start with your name. Why? No one cares who you are at this point and you’ve wasted valuable Attention Real Estate.
Do start with a story. Why? Stories activate the brain’s “movie mode” making you memorable.
❌ “Hi. I’m Karen and I’m the CEO of a communication consultant company called Speak For Yourself®.”
✅ “One time I stood up to give a speech and my skirt fell down. Now I teach companies how to avoid my communication mistakes.”
2️⃣ The Highlight:
Add a bizarre detail. Why? Quirky details stick 5x longer according to the Journal of Experimental Psychology.
❌ “I love movies”.
✅ “My Academy Award Oscars buddy, Marvin Blum, and I once picked the Oscar winners in all 18 categories.”
3️⃣ The Handoff:
Make it about the other person… which is the other person’s favorite subject!
Pass the baton by asking a question. Why? Dr. Fransisca says, “Questions force the other person’s brain to engage.” You reach beyond the predictable and get associated with curiosity.
❌ “Nice to meet you!” (Again, a waste of Attention Real Estate.)
✅ “What’s the weirdest hobby you’ve tried?”
Importance to you
Our attention span rivals that of a goldfish.
To be memorable to others get creative and have some fun.
Use Dr. Fransisca’s approach and report back in the comment section below!
Thank you to blog reader Robin Sachs for bringing this Wall Street Journal article on boomerasking by Allison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves, to my attention.
Boomerasking
“Boomerasking” refers to a question that acts in the same way as a boomerang – it’s designed to quickly come back to the person who threw it.
According to the researchers behind the study of this habit, Alison Wood Brooks and Michael Yeomans, there are three types of “boomerasks”.
1️⃣ “Ask-bragging” ➜ Ask a question and then share your positive stuff. Q: “What did you get for Valentine’s?” A: You respond to your own question with your list of chocolate bon bons.
2️⃣ “Ask-complaining” ➜ Ask a question and then share your negative stuff. Q: “How was your vacation?” A: You respond to your own question with, “Our flight got delayed, we missed the connecting flight and then Bruno got the flu.”
3️⃣ “Ask-sharing” ➜ Ask a question and then share your neutral stuff. Q: “Are your dreams vivid?” A: You respond to your own question describing your own weird dream.
All three boomerasks have the intention of the question-asker answering themselves.
Why do you do this annoying habit?
As reported by Holly Large for MSN, Brooks and Yeomans went straight to the source and asked this question (without boomerasking!) to the 155 study participants.
They said –
boomerasking trumps overt disclosure
prefacing a disclosure with a question will make their partner(s) feel more included in the conversation, or
speaking outrightly about what they wanted to talk about would violate conversational norms.
Not to be punny, but these researchers found this boomerasking habit to boomerang. Rather than their intended outcomes, this behavior appears egocentric, insincere and disinterested in the other person’s perspective.
Relevance to you
Become aware of this annoying habit (if you tend to do boomerasking).
Engage when someone answers your questions by listening, validating and asking further questions.
Understand that, at some point, it’s OK to talk about yourself and it’s part of the process of having a balanced conversation.
Be engaged and engaging
Brooks says it best! “We should all aim to be more interested in our partners before we go back to proving how interesting we are ourselves.”
Can You Reprint These Speak For Yourself® Blogs?
Of course. You are welcome to use this article with this by-line: “Karen Cortell Reisman is the go-to communication expert for leaders who want to speak for themselves to make even more money. For more information visit KarenCortellReisman.com.”
What do business holiday parties, family reunions or meetings of any shape and size have in common?
The. Dreaded. Small. Talk.
5 tips that make you better at small talk
🗣 Replace boring questions with some handy alternatives
According to CNBC Lead Psychology Reporter, Aditi Shrikant, you can transform bland questions (“What do you do?”) with more interesting inquiries.
Nicholas Epley, Univ. of Chicago psychology professor, suggests these swaps:
Replace “Where are you from?” with “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”
Replace “Are you married?” with “Tell me about your family.”
Replace “Where did you go to high school?” with “What advice would you give a high schooler?”
My client, Rob Jenkins, J.D. says, “I have a couple of tried and true questions that work for everyone”:
“What’s next for you?”
“What’s been a highlight for you in the past few months?”
🗣 Focus on and validate the other person
Try not to get caught up in this inner dialog, “Am I being weird?” or “Does this person like me?” Instead, focus on asking questions derived from what that person says to you. Or, find something to compliment about the other person. Maybe you like their jacket or what they wrote in a prior email. People love to be praised.
🗣 Nod more
Your body language is as important as your verbal language.
Face the person you’re talking to.
Have an open facial expression, aka a smile!
Maintain good eye contact. My pet peeve: looking over the other person’s shoulder to zero in on someone seemingly more important.
And nod when appropriate to show you’re present.
🗣 Ask for advice
Shrikant writes, “A series of studies from Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania found that we like people who ask for our guidance more than people who wish us well.” It makes the other person feel smart.
She says the topic and question does not have to be profound. If the person has just moved, you can ask, “How did you decide on which movers to use?”
🗣 Put your phone away
Can you go one hour without checking in or discovering breaking news? Sigh. It’s hard to do. Please silence your notifications so that you can be present and attentive.
Use these tips to transform small talk into big talk that nets synergy and momentum.
Influencing without authority is a worthwhile skill for any leader. Those with this ability can improve collaboration, get buy-in from stakeholders and can even be a career dealmaker.
7 ways to influence others without having any power over them
🤝 Build credibility and trust
Be the person others want to work with. Show up with authenticity.Have Integrity.Show Empathy. Try to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings from his/her point of view. It’s more than just pressing “like” on a social post.
🤝 Mobilize your allies
Upfront, know who believes in your project and who you need to nudge along to gain acceptance. Cultivate both of these groups.
🤝 Find common ground
If others can relate to you they might be more willing to negotiate and work on your behalf. Poulsen asks, “What do you have in common? What don’t you have in common? What’s negotiable? What’s not negotiable?”
🤝 Listen and seek to understand
Information talks, wisdom listens. You can influence without authority when you are willing to understand the other person’s needs.
🤝 Use storytelling
Is there a way for you to tell a story unrelated to your initiative that objectifies your project goals? Using a story can support your cause without making anyone defensive.
🤝 Bring practical solutions
My adage is never discuss a problem without also providing some type of realistic resolution. No one wants to deal with more issues than they already have. Be the one that makes everyone’s job easier.
🤝 Let go of your ego
“EQ must be high and ego must be low.” Have a flexible mindset and, when possible, let others take the credit, even if it was your sole initiative.
You don’t have to be the senior person in the room to have influence.
Poulsen summarizes, “Relational skills such as deep listening, effective assertion, and self-awareness are all tools you can use to influence people around you in an authentic way.”
PS: Thank you to American Heart Association for this blog’s inspiration. You have asked me to talk to your national team on communicating with even more finesse along with this very topic. See you soon!
Ambassador Yossi Gal walked into the coffee shop, smiled when he saw me, and ordered his cappuccino. During our one-hour delightful breakfast meeting I asked him, “In all of your various posts as Israel’s Ambassador to France, Monaco, Washington D.C., and the Netherlands – what are the three most important factors for power conversations?”
Crucial factors for communicating
A bit of context. Currently Ambassador Gal is Hebrew University’s VP for Advancement and External Relations. Hebrew University, co-founded by Albert Einstein, houses the Einstein Archives; and he had an interest in meeting one of Einstein’s relatives… me.
Ambassador Gal answered, “In all of my years of involvement with international relationships I see five crucial factors for effectively communicating and negotiating with others: Education, Education, Education, Curiosity, and Respect.”
Education
Education
Education
Curiosity
Respect
For your next Power Conversation
When you lead your organization, meet with new buyers, negotiate terms on a potential acquisition, or raise funds for your private equity firm; embrace Ambassador Gal’s negotiation/communication must haves.
You’re asking the wrong question.
Psychologist and author Adam Grant shares “When you meet someone new, don’t ask: What do you do? It limits what people share about themselves to a job description.”
Thank you to Dr. E. Michael Reisman for sending me this Adam Grant article.
Thank you to blog reader Robin Sachs for bringing this Wall Street Journal article on boomerasking by Allison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves, to my attention.
Influencing without authority is a worthwhile skill for any leader. Those with this ability can improve collaboration, get buy-in from stakeholders and can even be a career dealmaker.
