You are making a sales pitch and you lose your momentum because you’re sure your prospect has already made a decision to go another direction.
You are on a nominating committee for your national professional association and you say, “No, let’s don’t ask Jordan to be on our board. She’s already chairing several initiatives.”
You want to ask a prominent public personality to speak for free, but you know he’ll say no – so you don’t ask.
No. No. No.
Your biggest pitch mistake ➜
You assume the [negative] answer before even asking.
As a past president of the National Speakers Association, N. TX Chapter, I’ve become known for this phrase: “Don’t edit for the next guy”! Board leadership would strike future potential board members from our list assuming he/she would say “no”. And I’d say…. you guessed it… “Don’t edit for the next guy”.
The behind-the-scenes word here is “assuming” – my least favorite word when it comes to communicating.
When you start assuming the speaker will say “no”, or the buyer will say “no”, or the future board member will say “no” you are shooting yourself in the foot.
Influencing without authority is a worthwhile skill for any leader. Those with this ability can improve collaboration, get buy-in from stakeholders and can even be a career dealmaker.
7 ways to influence others without having any power over them
🤝 Build credibility and trust
Be the person others want to work with. Show up with authenticity.Have Integrity.Show Empathy. Try to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings from his/her point of view. It’s more than just pressing “like” on a social post.
🤝 Mobilize your allies
Upfront, know who believes in your project and who you need to nudge along to gain acceptance. Cultivate both of these groups.
🤝 Find common ground
If others can relate to you they might be more willing to negotiate and work on your behalf. Poulsen asks, “What do you have in common? What don’t you have in common? What’s negotiable? What’s not negotiable?”
🤝 Listen and seek to understand
Information talks, wisdom listens. You can influence without authority when you are willing to understand the other person’s needs.
🤝 Use storytelling
Is there a way for you to tell a story unrelated to your initiative that objectifies your project goals? Using a story can support your cause without making anyone defensive.
🤝 Bring practical solutions
My adage is never discuss a problem without also providing some type of realistic resolution. No one wants to deal with more issues than they already have. Be the one that makes everyone’s job easier.
🤝 Let go of your ego
“EQ must be high and ego must be low.” Have a flexible mindset and, when possible, let others take the credit, even if it was your sole initiative.
You don’t have to be the senior person in the room to have influence.
Poulsen summarizes, “Relational skills such as deep listening, effective assertion, and self-awareness are all tools you can use to influence people around you in an authentic way.”
PS: Thank you to American Heart Association for this blog’s inspiration. You have asked me to talk to your national team on communicating with even more finesse along with this very topic. See you soon!
“Hi! Happy to finally get to your beautiful boutique hotel. These twisting single-lane roads here in Scotland are a bit hard to navigate in the rain. We have a room reservation for one night.”
“Your name, please?”
“Reisman.”
“Hmmmm, I’m not seeing your room reservation on our records, and we are totally booked for tonight.”
My tired husband, shuffling through our travel documents, proudly produces the email hard copy of our reservation and replies, “Here it is – we have one room reserved.”
The guy behind the counter of this rustic, small and remote hotel looks at our documents and points to one line and says, “Your reservation is for July 10 and today is July 5.”
THIS is when the power shifts.
You know you are right…
Until … “pow” … you are proven WRONG.
Think of a see-saw slide at your local playground. You were going up and now you’re going down. Way down. The fulcrum of balance has shifted. You have now lost all of your power. You are not always correct!
Does this happen in your business?
Yes.
At this exact moment of revelation, as your see-saw whacks down, you will ask yourself these pivotal questions:
“Have I been nice during this conversation exchange?”
“How rude have I been?”
“What does damage control look like here?”
Our hotel owners in their home hanging out in the kitchen with us!
What happened to the jet-lagged Reismans?
As we stood at this hotel counter, rain pelting down outside, and sleep deprived, the owner came over, took pity on us and said, “Look, every place around here that I do business with is booked and I don’t want to send you to places I don’t know. Why don’t you be our guests tonight at our home up the lane?” Phew, I’m grateful we had a pretty good “nice index”.
How to negotiate when you’re on the losing side
Stay nice – when you have the power and when you don’t have the power.
Stay respectful – even when you disagree.
Stay open by asking questions.
Stay aware of your end game – what are you willing to lose and what do you ultimately want to gain?
We had a blast that evening and the next morning with our hotel owners. If you’re traveling this summer, stay nice and find the humor when you hit road bumps. Same rules apply in the board room.
“Your ideas worked!”, an excited dentist client shared with me yesterday in an impromptu call.
I replied, “Fantastic. Tell me what happened.”
He said, “Originally I was planning to approach the new dentist in the practice that refers to me and say, ‘I see you’re now sending this specialty work I do here to another doctor. Maybe I should move my dental tools out of that operatory I use here.”
“That’s code for”, he said to me, “We’re done here.”
I asked, “Exactly what did you do and say to create a better outcome?”
“First, I changed my attitude. Second, I complimented him. Third, I asked questions. By going that route I now have a solid working relationship with this new dentist. I’m thrilled!”
Unpacking these 3 communication negotiation steps to get what you want
Eradicate your assumptive state of mind. Long time blog readers and clients know my Least Favorite Communication Word. Drumroll: ASSUME. Do not assume the worst or the best. Do not assume your listener understands your point of view, gets your implied messaging, or even receives your emails (technology is wonderful until it isn’t).
Compliment with authenticity. Praise specifically and sincerely. Is this manipulative? Yes, ONLY if you’re lying! Stick with true observations and you will empower the recipient and begin your dialog on a positive note. Ex: “Dr. Muckhajar, you’ve realized your goals with this new office. Congrats on taking risks to make this happen.”
Ask questions. Think in advance of what you want to find out. Then listen actively. Don’t interrupt. You’ll gain more intel you might use to negotiate for what you want. You’ve read this before in this blog, “Information talks and wisdom listens”.
My client ended our chat saying, “Compliments and questions, what a powerful combo!”
Your strategy to get what you want: Assume nothing, praise often and ask questions.
On a recent visit to the Carter Presidential Library I was intrigued with the peace accord U.S. President Jimmy Carter brokered between Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.
3 surprising tactics learned from these leaders that you can use to navigate win-win outcomes
1️⃣ Plan your context as well as content.
The background for this historic accord was Camp David, a 125-acre secluded retreat for the President of the United States, with a dozen guest cabins. A perfect place for conversations, meetings and space.
🏕 Tactic: For your big deals you might think that your subject matter trumps all. False. While content matters, pick a location for your critical events that provide the setting for success.
2️⃣ Cultivate perspective.
At one frustrating point Sadat packed his bags. Carter came to Sadat’s cabin and began talking about their grandchildren. Sadat unpacked his bags in hopes of shaping a better world for the next generations.
🏕 Tactic: For your power talks think beyond your perspective. Carolyn Hax, a Washington Post columnist writes, “ To have no conception of how other beliefs could be right for someone else is to fail to understand that other people can have an emotional makeup, cultural history and/or set of life experiences that differ from yours.”
3️⃣ Show gravitas.
Carter’s good fortune was that he had Begin and Sadat as negotiating counterparts. They were determined political leaders who possessed strong wills, stamina, courage and vision.
🏕 Tactic: For your good fortune exude gravitas (defined as a sense of authority and presence) just as these three leaders exhibited in 1978.
That summit laid the groundwork for an historic peace treaty.
Think about how you lay the groundwork for your win-win power talks.
I never thought I’d write a blog about how building trust could save your life. Save your bottom line, yes. Dying, no.
Not trying to be overdramatic here. Gaining trust saved four hostages’ lives last week after an 11-hour standoff at Beth Israel Synagogue in Colleyville, Texas.
“Jewish security officials said Rabbi Cytron-Walker modeled how to behave in a hostage crisis, gaining the trust of the gunman”, said Michael Masters, the Secure Community Network CEO.
TRUST
Regular SFY Blog Readers know my stance on the importance of gaining trust as a communicator. You have heard me say “trust” is my favorite word when it comes to speaking for yourself. People do business with people that they know, like and TRUST.
From various accounts of this hostage situation, here is a list of ways the Rabbi and the others communicated trust during this event.
Engage. “The Rabbi Cytron-Walker engaged Akram, the gunman, and kept him calm.”
Listen. “Cytron-Walker made clear to Akram that he trusted him.”
Stay calm & present. The Rabbi said, “As part of clergy training we talk about being a calm, non-anxious presence, we do that in hospital rooms, we do that during the most difficult individual moments… I did the best that I could to do that throughout the standoff.”
Use names. Masters, the CEO of the Secure Community Network, remarked, “The offender referenced the Rabbi by name, referenced at least one of the other hostages by name.”
Create rapport. “When Akram arrived at the synagogue the Rabbi made him tea, speaking with him extensively.”
Share credit. Cytron-Walker gave great credit to prior security courses he and his congregation had received as the reason he and the other hostages survived.
Gain trust in your world. It could be a lifesaver.
Author: Karen Cortell Reisman is Founder of Speak For Yourself®, a communication consulting firm, and the author of 2 books on how to communicate. She lives in Dallas, Texas and believes that gaining trust with her clients has been the reason for the success of Speak For Yourself®.
Influencing without authority is a worthwhile skill for any leader. Those with this ability can improve collaboration, get buy-in from stakeholders and can even be a career dealmaker.
“Your ideas worked!”, an excited dentist client shared with me yesterday in an impromptu call.
Compliment with authenticity. Praise specifically and sincerely. Is this manipulative? Yes, ONLY if you’re lying! Stick with true observations and you will empower the recipient and begin your dialog on a positive note. Ex: “Dr. Muckhajar, you’ve realized your goals with this new office. Congrats on taking risks to make this happen.”
