Picture this scenario. As CEO of a construction company, my client was gearing up for a major new building project.
She knew she needed team buy-in and she focused on one vital skill: listening. As in, listening to her people. She uncovered some roadblocks and was able to do a smooth launch.
My client used these skills and it made all the difference.
The 4 listening skills
1️⃣ Listen Until the End We’ve all been there—someone starts sharing an idea, and you’re already formulating your response. Pause! Great leaders resist the urge to interrupt. Instead, give your full attention until they finish.
2️⃣ Listen to Summarize, Not to Solve Our instinct is to jump in with solutions. Pause again! First, make sure you understand the problem by summarizing what you’ve heard. This not only clarifies things but also shows that you value their perspective.
3️⃣ Listen for Relationships and Content Listen for the sub-text… what’s between the lines. Pay attention to the emotions and connections in the conversation. Understanding the “why” behind the “what” can lead to greater trust.
4️⃣ Listen for Values What matters most to your team? Use the conversation to understand what’s going on with the other person, whether that topic is small, emotional, or complex.
Practical impact
Leaders who listen well are better able to build trust and create environments where people feel comfortable speaking up.
The good news
Good communicators are often recognized for speaking well, but effective listening is just as critical (or even more crucial) in order to be a respected leader.
You can practice good listening skills deliberately. It’s not a trait you have or don’t have.
The Tango, the Argentine dance set to dramatic music, involves a dancing couple holding each other closely and making abrupt – yet graceful – movements, turning in one direction and then turning again in reverse.
🍕 Nelda & the Pizza Guy
Nelda died in her late 90’s and I attended her funeral service a few days ago. The large chapel was almost standing room only!
One of the best eulogies at her funeral shared why Nelda was so popular.
Nelda’s family member said, “Nelda was interesting, AND Nelda was interested.”
“Nelda always had something wise or fun to say, AND she always made time to ask about the other.”
“In fact, her plumber would fix the water issues and bring the pizza so they could catch up!”
💃 + 🍕 What does Nelda’s communication expertise have to do with the Tango and you?
To build rapport and gain trust you must be interesting and interested. You won’t gain rich relationships with only one of these talents. You need both.
💃🕺🏻 Your Tango lesson
Be interesting + be interested.
If you combine both of these moves you’ll dance your way to rewarding connections.
Last week one of my mastery clients asked, “Karen, how do you give crummy news? My customer called me wondering why I could not honor a past agreement and the conversation turned south pretty quickly. And, this guy called me at 9pm with his young kids screaming in the background!”
We worked through these 10 tips, titled “Switch Shoes”.
He said, “I see your next blog happening right here!”
We both agreed that this list is helpful for both professional AND personal settings. As life goes, we met on Valentine’s Day… The Day Of Love yada… and we laughed that, “This list is a better gift than a bunch 🌹 of roses.”
What do you think?
Switch Shoes
Picture this scenario: Before you handle difficult conversations imagine that you are switching shoes with your adversary, whether that’s your colleague, client, partner, parent or kid. Try to see your issues from their point of view.
Your Top Ten List 👠
👠 ➜ Prepare. Strategize what you want & what you’re willing to let go.
👠➜ Chose right setting and timing. Timing is everything. Hint, it’s not 9pm with screaming kids in the background. (My client agreed that he could’ve said that 9pm was not a good time to talk and then schedule a time the next day.) Also, pick a setting that’s conducive. Do you want privacy? Do you want to be in a coffee shop? Do you need support people around?
👠➜ Be direct, honest and timely. IF you are not timely your adversaries will fill in the blanks with exaggerated fears. When Catherine, Princess of Wales announced her illness last year, the Royals went radio silence. The internet went wild filling the void with death rumors.
👠➜ Use empathetic language. Say, “I hear what you’re saying”. Validate the other person’s feelings.
👠➜ Adopt the “AND” stance. Replace the word “BUT” with “AND”. You can say the same things without creating defensive posturing.
👠➜ Avoid the Blame Game. Pretend everyone has on mittens so that you cannot point fingers.
👠➜ Stay calm and professional. Avoid verbal ping pong.
👠➜ Listen actively. Summarize and paraphrase. “So what you’re saying is…”
👠➜ Offer solutions (if possible) and next steps. Have ideas of where you want this conversation to go.
You – yes, you – my clients across time, you lead organizations, you are at the top of your game, you speak around the world and you do well. And, then, you enter the holiday season and you’re talking to your family that you have a lot less control over!
Here are some random and real tools to maximize the good times and minimize possible landmines with your extended family. (I could list these stresses from political views to parenting styles but I’ve spoiled you over the years with short articles …!)
😂 Find the humor.
🤗 Ask questions.
👂🏼 Listen actively. Always a winner! In business and in your personal life, listen more than you talk. (I’ll try to adhere to this 🙄).
🙂 Empower others. Even when you want to kill that cousin for commenting once again on your marital status, can you find something nice to say? You like her watch. You think he did a good job on the pecan pie. You love their kid. Find something to compliment! This works. It’s only manipulative if you’re lying. So don’t lie. But still find something to praise about the other.
👋🏼 Do the common courtesies. Thank the host/hostess and everyone involved with any feast you might attend.
🙏🏼 Keep a mental (or even written) gratitude list, especially when you become sad, irritated or hangry.
😶 Don’t engage. That’s right. DON’T engage. IF there are issues, and you cannot solve them, then don’t get involved.
❣️ Remember your own strengths. Give yourself a break. That positive self-awareness is the perfect antidote for snarky crazy stuff.
✈️ BONUS TIP: 10 surprising items banned by TSA ➜
You travel a lot. Below are 10 items that are currently not allowed in your carry-on luggage, according to USA Today:
Bowling balls
Cast iron cookware
Drills and drill bits
Foam toy swords
Snow globes
Screwdrivers longer than seven inches
Gel-type candles
Pepper spray
Magic 8 ball
Gel heating pads
Happy Holidays. I’m thankful for you. And leave your Magic 8 Ball at home.
Picture this scenario. You’re speaking about how to earn $3 million in 3 months. Your audience hangs on every word you say.
Unfortunately you’re probably speaking about less wild (and more believable) content.
Given our 24/7 buffet of info deluging you, use this 3-word phrase to keep your listeners from grabbing their phones.
🥁 Drum roll
Hint: you’ve already read those 3 words in this current blog.
“Picture this scenario…”
In John Bowe’s CNBC article, “Highly engaging people use this 3-word phrase to get people to listen” he offers that this phrase “engages attention, evokes curiosity, and invites your listeners into a shared mental space where they can feel and experience what you’re talking about.”
Picture: It’s a direct command.
This: Anchors the story in the present moment.
Scenario: Previews there’s a story to tell.
To Bowe’s point, you’ve heard me say many times that a compelling presentation is never just about the data.
Other Attention-grabbing openers
Bowe provides more great intro phrases.
“What if you…”
“Imagine yourself…”
“Think of the last time you”
“Have you ever found yourself…”
What do all these phrases have in common? The word “you”.
By using the word “you” YOU are being inclusive.
We don’t care about your topic as much as we care about how we see ourselves involved with your topic!
Works in any industry
Pitching a start-up? Don’t explain what it is upfront. Walk your audience through the user experience.
Selling a product? Don’t tell us features and functions. Talk about how it makes the buyer feel.
Proposing a new strategy? Stop giving too much details and rationale. Describe how the team will gain on a daily basis.
Your attention span, and your listener’s attention span are shrinking by the day! Use these openers to keep your team engaged.
photo taken by Karen at Nordstrom in Manhattan. (Nordstrom wants you to say “yes” and buy everything.)
“You have a superpower that you might not know about: the power to make another person glow,” reports Stephanie Harrison, happiness and well-being expert, in a study she conducted.
Her study finds that we underestimate how happy someone feels after recognition.
3 phrases that pack a positive punch
🎤 “You are making a difference.”
Don’t think, “That’s cheesy.”
Do ask yourself, “How can I encourage others in micro or macro ways?”
Examples:
“Did you see how that team leader proudly walked out with a huge smile? You are making a difference.”
“The money you raised at our silent auction will help fund our museum awareness campaign. You are making a difference.”
🎤 “You inspire me.”
Barbara Franklin’s art shown at “SEAT OF HONOR – an exhibition about chairs”
Ask yourself, “Who has inspired me lately?”
Harrison provides this helpful script:
Start with:
“You inspire me …”
Then add the reason why: “… in the way you show up for your team…”
Finally, share the impact it has had: “… and it’s made me think about how I can be more collaborative.”
Example:
“Barbara, you inspire me. You’ve embraced your passion as an artist and now you’re exhibiting at art shows. It makes me think about how I can continue to sharpen and share my passion for speaking.”
🎤 “Tell me more.”
Disclaimer: It’s one of my favorite phrases that I’ve blogged about before. Saying these words make you a better listener which makes you a better communicator.
Harrison adds, “Being listened to helps people feel safe, supported and acknowledged. One thing that’s guaranteed to make someone’s day: asking them to tell you more about their interests, feelings and experiences.”
To create space for others to open up Harrison suggests:
Find out what is important to them: “What do you do that’s meaningful to you?
Ask them to elaborate on their experience: “What did it feel like when you heard you’d won the deal?”
Invite them to go deeper: “Tell me more about how you interpreted that feedback.”
Double benefits
Harrison shows, “There’s a bonus in store for you: It doesn’t just make the other person glow; it ends up making you glow, too.” It’s a win-win.
Upcoming plans – Between speaking engagements in Park City, Utah and other travel, I’ll be taking a blog break. See you soon!
Elevating your leadership game
👠➜ Use empathetic language.
“You have a superpower that you might not know about: the power to make another person glow,” reports Stephanie Harrison, 
It’s a win-win.
