Thank you to blog reader Robin Sachs for bringing this Wall Street Journal article on boomerasking by Allison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves, to my attention.
Boomerasking
“Boomerasking” refers to a question that acts in the same way as a boomerang – it’s designed to quickly come back to the person who threw it.
According to the researchers behind the study of this habit, Alison Wood Brooks and Michael Yeomans, there are three types of “boomerasks”.
1️⃣ “Ask-bragging” ➜ Ask a question and then share your positive stuff. Q: “What did you get for Valentine’s?” A: You respond to your own question with your list of chocolate bon bons.
2️⃣ “Ask-complaining” ➜ Ask a question and then share your negative stuff. Q: “How was your vacation?” A: You respond to your own question with, “Our flight got delayed, we missed the connecting flight and then Bruno got the flu.”
3️⃣ “Ask-sharing” ➜ Ask a question and then share your neutral stuff. Q: “Are your dreams vivid?” A: You respond to your own question describing your own weird dream.
All three boomerasks have the intention of the question-asker answering themselves.
Why do you do this annoying habit?
As reported by Holly Large for MSN, Brooks and Yeomans went straight to the source and asked this question (without boomerasking!) to the 155 study participants.
They said –
- boomerasking trumps overt disclosure
- prefacing a disclosure with a question will make their partner(s) feel more included in the conversation, or
- speaking outrightly about what they wanted to talk about would violate conversational norms.
Not to be punny, but these researchers found this boomerasking habit to boomerang. Rather than their intended outcomes, this behavior appears egocentric, insincere and disinterested in the other person’s perspective.
Relevance to you
- Become aware of this annoying habit (if you tend to do boomerasking).
- Engage when someone answers your questions by listening, validating and asking further questions.
- Understand that, at some point, it’s OK to talk about yourself and it’s part of the process of having a balanced conversation.
Be engaged and engaging
Brooks says it best! “We should all aim to be more interested in our partners before we go back to proving how interesting we are ourselves.”
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Karen, As a lifetime fly angler, I have noted many sayings that appeal to fishing enthusiasts. One of my favorite bumper stickers is: “The worst fishing beats the best day at work.”
My angling equivalent to generalized “boomeranging” is:
“No one wants to see YOUR fish as much as they want to show you THEIR fish.”
Gene – this is classic!!! I love your comment! And it is so true. No one wants to see YOUR fish as much as they want to show you THEIR fish.
Thanks for your feedback here.
Thanks for this tip, Karen – I will try to avoid this pitfall, of which I was not aware. Maybe it IS a boomer thing?
Hi Roger – this phenomena is not generational. At any age we can be a self-centered conversationalist. FYI – writing this blog piece has helped me to become even more aware of being a good listener and trying NOT to hijack conversations. Thank you so much for your comment.